Ups and Downs

I thought I’d be better at this.  I thought I’d write daily, I thought I’d post photographs, I thought I’d share my life.

I thought a lot of things.  It turns out I didn’t know much at all.

This last year has been a big one for me, and I haven’t expressed it.  Like so many other things, I’ve bottled it up, kept it to myself, and forgotten to let it out.

I have spent a long time thinking I was in love with someone close to me, if love is the right word.  I was wrong about that, and my focus, my infatuation, my obsession, blinded me to what was happening around me.

My eyes were opened this summer by one of my oldest, truest, friends, someone who showed me exactly what being in love was like.  I was happy, and it wasn’t until then that I realised exactly how unhappy I’d been before.  She showed me what I’d been missing, what had been there all along.  It was amazing, wonderful, thrilling, and terrifying.

I’ve spent my life alone, and opening it up to someone scared me.  So, separated by distance, I held on to my old life.  I tried to have the best of both worlds, when really there was only one world worth having.  That was never going to work, it was selfish and unfair.  And so, the best thing to happen to me came to an end.

I still have the most compassionate, caring, selfless, and strong friend, and for that I am thankful, but I miss her every day, and every night.

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